It was just us two which was unusual because we normally werenât that close as he was three years older and my sisters best friend. In addition to this, in the room I was staying in, when I was trying to sleep one night, there was this imprint on the ceiling that looked like a monstrous version of my father, and soon after that, I started rocking back and forth as if I was being distraught by a hidden memory, and I kept saying, “Please daddy don’t hurt me.” I’ve had it so bad that I’ve had to go to the mental hospital several times, and while I was there, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Otherwise bringing the abuse out into the open can end up being totally overwhelming and re-traumatising. Seems like you are not giving him any credit here, nor yourself, as would you really have married someone that terrible? “Mild” molestations, as you call them, can be just as serious as any other form. We keep silent and spend our whole lives feeling good enough when really we did nothing wrong at all, we just were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time or met the wrong person.A small(yet horrible) incident becomes a giant monster that controls us. Another one could be that your mother hated her body and you internalised the attitude. Hi Lauren, gosh it sounds hard to feel so unsupported on this. My mother yelled at me disgusted to go put some clothes on. So if you are reading this, I appreciate it and apologize if it is disgusting or disturbing. We really believe with the right support you could start to feel worthy, liked, and able to trust again. While trying to figure out what did or didn’t happen can be maddening, and who wouldn’t like to be able to just know for sure… the truth is that surprisingly high numbers of us just never know. Again, the brain and memories are tricky, and without a time machine, many of us have to live with never knowing the exact story. The way I feel is affecting my life in the most depressing ways. Thanks to anyone who got to read this. I’ve always been scared to step out of my house and I feel very uncomfortable with men. It sounds like your mind not only dissociated but created a better world for you to live in. I had a brief abusive relationship as a young adult, but was at the time unaware that my childhood experiences were abnormal. My parents would tell me it was very bad if they caught me but never explain why. Writing on our country-forums seems too risky and I really need to leave it somewhere, even if no one ever reads it. I also have another recurring nightmare of running through my grandfather’s house, terrified. London Bridge. We wish you courage. What you are not mentioning here is your parents. Everything is kind of a haze. I am 18 now and all the signs are now beginning to add up. Then gather up that courage and do whatever you can to seek some support. As a child I always have a foggy memory about being abused … I mean how could a child know about these kinds of things at the time … Growing up I started fetishizing submissive and rape relationships and I even build caracters in my brain who are in a submissive relationship… I HATE sex and i dont want to think of being held but as a child I remember often doing things to myself … I dont have any traumatic feelings when I see that person in real life now and I dont remember it hurting or anyhting back then… Im so confused .. how do I know if I was abused or if it was nothing ? I remember pretty weird things, but I don’t know past that point what it means. If you are student, it can be hard, but many high schools, colleges and universities have counsellors nowadays there to help. They would also tell me to go hump family members, family friends, and stuffed animals. So I have always been conscious of my appeareance. If there’s any advice to be given, I’m open to listening. Toxic Friends - Who They Are and What to Do Next, https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm, https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/therapist-costs-makes-you-money.htm, https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological-therapies-(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-mother-wound-under-mothered.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm, https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/help-with-inappropriate-thoughts-or-behaviour/, https://www.stopitnow.org/faq/the-scope-of-child-sexual-abuse-definition-and-fact-sheet, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. I didnât think anything of it then but now I do. For e.g. And they are confidential. Large periods of my childhood are missing, i just don’t remember, blank. But I am just not sure of whether it actually happened. I now struggle with self harm, suicidal thoughts, alcohol abuse (Iâm quite drunk while writing this, thatâs probably why Iâm writing this in the first place) and hypersexuality. Creyci, what a hard experience. Otherwise, if you are at college yet, most colleges have very low cost counsellors for their students and it’s confidential. One final thing – it’s okay to not want to do something physically with someone and always say no. A trusted friend or family member? I had from what I can remember a normal childhood, didn’t have any significant traumatic experiences from what I can actually recall. My memory is so foggy of both incidents like i try to remember but its grainy with only fear and disgust i feel. And obsessing on figuring out exactly what happened can be even more upsetting. I can’t help but think something happened while I stayed there. I remember only a few things even if i think hard about, these gaps go up to the age of 12. We can’t make a judgement call as we’d need way way more information, so best to look at this with a counsellor, but he sounds immature and messed up. I am 20 years old now, and still hope to share my story with the people I care about, especially my mother. I don’t know if I should tell my best friend all this for some advice I more it feels true the more it hurts and I don’t know how to react but I also want to know the truth but I’m scared to know it. What is of concern, however, is that you seem to have low self-esteem and shame. I think too much about it.I’m scared that some will hurt them like someone did so many times with me and my mom don’t even notice.I don’t want that to happened to them and raised them so weak like my mom did with me .My first daughter is 8 and my second is 4 months.my husband and I let a 13 years old kid stay in our house .he is his bestfriend son I know that is just for a few months but I can even sleep thinking that he will come to my daughters’ room and hurt my babies.I used to take therapy but I missed one so I never call again.but it was a couple therapy.Honesly I don’t know how to protect or let raise my daughters knowing that I have a trauma.Do you think I can cure my self? The problem is that now they are adults, their lives are up to them. later on bit by bit i’ll remember a touch, a nickname and then i was still. It doesn’t have to be sexual abuse. I don’t know if there is a possibility that this could have happened to me or all of this is normal or I just might have another issue. An adult is supposed to protect and care for a child, not use them for pleasure. I think I was three. The mother did everything in her power to keep me out of reach and made sure till this day that the kids and I had no relationship. It is equally entirely possible that our brains repress things that happened. These kinds of responses would leave a child feeling unsafe, unseen, and rejected. And yet you are still evidently living your life from a space of severe anxiety and maybe complex PTSD. What are the real chances that of all the therapists in the world, you remain the one special person who can’t help? I wouldn’t let my mother touch me. (Both sets of grandparents had cars and lived around the same distance from us, so it wasn’t a travel issue). If you are in the UK you can learn about them here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. And we do know how you feel about wanting clarity. They can help you unpack all this anxiety, as well as support anything bigger if anything does come up. I had a nightmare last night my husband was the neighbors son and wouldnt stop touching me even when i begged him to stop. But Iâve never had close relationships that lasted long, and sex is very uncomfortable to me. It’s not going to come from going over and over the question of ‘what happened’ but by deciding, enough. And someone else talking about trauma would trigger your fight/flight stress response, complete with lots of fear, it doesn’t necessarily mean you shared the same experience as your friend, just that your body is wired to panic when it hears of trauma. It’s all created by the media. Yet, IÂ´m also very interested in it. At 13 this isolation led me to the internet, where I started sharing my experiences on chatrooms, in an attempt to validate my pain. It’s very normal to go crazy with desire to want to know, and that’s okay. Moving on to the rest…. We don’t know a single person who has experienced sexual abuse, not sought help, and has a perfect life. I feel like this is the only thing left that I can possibly do, because I’ve seriously tried everything therapy has to offer, but I’m so afraid of the process. The fact that he used to be verbally and occasionally physically abusive probably contributes to that and thatâs all Iâve chalked it up to. All these factors put together now are worrying me a lot. Doing something like THAT to your younger sister? Sounds like you are going through a tough time. I tried to forget that moment, but now, after so many years it is haunting me. We were very close so I would often lie in his bed and didnât think much of it (I was used to having girl friends rather than guy friends) and I remember he would lie next to me and would sometimes roll over so he was on top of me. 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